Should, Would, Could

So many people go through life without thinking. They are not happy and they say things like, “Well that’s just how things are.” Or “No one said life is fair,” or “Life’s a bitch then you die”. Real life of the party stuff these folks. They are often willing victims of the “should’s”. You will hear them say “I should do this or I should do that” all the while clearly unhappy with what they feel they “should” do.

I say, stop shoulding on yourself! There are some things you should do yes, pay your bills on time, stop and help a stranger who needs directions, keep your self clean, that kind of thing. After that not much else in life “should” be done. You see other people are the ones that started the whole thing. “You should go to college and become a lawyer, doctor, or accountant.” “You two should stay together.” “You should stay here in town and be near your family.” “You should stay at the job, you’re lucky to have it.”

And what is all of that? It is other people’s opinions attempting to form you into what they want you to be. What if you do not want to become a lawyer, doctor or accountant? What if you don’t want to go to college? What if you don’t like each other that much anymore? What if you don’t like your family all that much? Or your job?

“Shoulds” are outside energies forming you. Equalize that pressure by asking yourself, “What would I do if…” What would you do if you won the lottery? Now take away the lottery part and what are you left with? The answer you are left with is what you really want in your life at this moment! Asking the “woulds” gives you opportunity to see what is in your way and the direction you would go if things were different. “Woulds” lead to “coulds” and this is here we start to grow and become happier.

“Coulds” are the energies inside you forming your life without interference from other people’s opinions. “I could go to California.” “I could change my position at work.” “I could apply for a different job, one that I actually want.” “I could get the training I need to accomplish that.” “I could get a roommate to help with the bills.”

We are always going to be connected to others and we are not suggesting here that we completely ignore their feelings, but if you are not happy or they are not happy in the current situation, ask yourselves, “What could we do?”

Once you begin this process you find that your world expands with possibilities. Limits seem to melt away and you become a possibility thinker. Once you start to see the possibilities available, the “should’s” and the “woulds” seem to dissipate. Without “should’s” or “woulds”, what could you do?



© 2007
Please do not reprint in part or whole without prior permission.

The 21 Year Old Lie

When we are born, no one expects much of us at first. We slowly learn to laugh, recognize others, communicate & coordinate our movements. When we become seven years old, no one is surprised that we walk & talk & dress ourselves to a greater or lesser degree of success. When we become fourteen, no one is surprised that we present ourselves as young women or men with thoughts & emotions regarding other young men & women. These changes are expected, welcomed & encouraged. It is called growing up.

Then we turn twenty one & society tells us one of the big lies of life. You are now grown up. Find a job, find a partner, find a home in the suburbs or city, get some kids, get a minivan, because from here on nothing about you changes until you hit age sixty five. Then you just prepare to die. This is a big lie.

What makes society & people think that we don’t continue to change & grow every seven years the way we did when we are children? Often, the people that fall for this lie or try to buy into it find themselves around forty two or forty nine, wondering what went wrong. “This is not the life I wanted,” they say to themselves, “this is not my dream.”

Let me ask you, would you take advice from a twenty one year old on marriage & relationships or career or how & where to live? Probably not. Why? Not because they are stupid or dumb, but because they have little experience in these things. Ask a twenty one year old about the best in new music, the best clubs & restaurants, the latest in fashion trends, the cutting edge of anything, this is their experience & strength.

Yet, by locking yourself into a lifestyle at age twenty one you are doing exactly that, taking advice from a person with no experience on these matters. You are buying into the idea that you have stopped growing & that is not true. You change as much from 21 to 28, from 28 to 35 to 42 as from 0 to 7 or 7 to 14. You will have different interests & likes, different pursuits & hobbies, different friends & needs all your life.

The most boring people in the world are the ones that think there is no good music created after the year they graduated! The most interesting people in the world are the ones that still don’t know what they want to be when they are grown up when they are in their 60’s & 70’s.

What do you want to be when you grow up?


© 2007
Please do not reprint in part or whole without prior permission.

There is no such thing as Positive or Negative Energy

I am sometimes asked how to deal with “negative” energy or “negative” people. I always reply that there is no such thing as negative or positive energy, there is only energy. This is difficult for some to understand at first.

Let me illustrate it this way. Two people go to visit the ocean. The first person cannot swim. It is a sunny, warm day & this individual decides to go out into the relatively calm water. After a few minutes they realize the tide is coming in & notice that they are about ten yards from shore. Coming towards them is a sizable wave of water, about six to eight feet. As they can’t swim, will this be a positive or negative experience for them?

The second person at the beach is a surfer. Not just a casual surfer, but someone who has entered & won contests in the past. They have not been to ocean for some period of time & have been looking forward to this day. For quite a while they have been sitting patiently on their surf board waiting for a wave, only to find the water to be very calm. Now, however they sense the building of a wave beneath them, about six to eight feet. They begin to paddle into it. Will this be a positive experience or a negative one?

For the first person, the non-swimmer, this wave will probably knock them down. At best they will get tossed on shore backside over topside. At worst they get pulled out to sea & potentially lose their life.

For the second person, the surfer, this is the first wave of the day, the one they’ve been waiting for & they get a chance to test their skill & ride the crest of the wave.

In both cases it is the same wave of water, not good or bad, positive or negative, just a wave. No judgment can be made for or against it.

The difference is the ability of each individual to respond to the situation, their “response-ability”. The “positive” or “negative” label is based on our perception.

By changing our abilities to respond to the different circumstances we experience in life we find a lot less that we perceive as “negative” & a lot more that we can feel positive about, especially the people around us.

When you find yourself feeling that you are in a “negative” situation ask; What skill do I need to learn that will help me deal with this now and in the future? What are my response-abilities?



© 2007
Please do not reprint in part or whole without prior permission.

Coping with Change

Face it, as humans we seem to hate change. Still, it is said that the only constant is change. You are a different person every single day. The actions and reactions of your personal daily life shape into someone that did not exist before. The more extreme the situations we face the greater the change, the more routine our lives are the less need for change. But change we do, subtly or dramatically.

So how do we handle change? The best way to cope with change is to a part of it. Instead of resisting and trying to hold on to things, keeping things the same, let go and go with the flow. If you are struggling against the current you may drown from the exertion. Why not just be current? There are many interesting things to do and see in this world, why stay in the same place all your life?

It is said that a ship is safe in the harbor, tied to the dock. But that is not what a ship is for. This doesn’t mean take unnecessary risks. You must have skills and supplies for a sea journey. The same is true for your journey through life.

What then is the best way to be a part of change? Instigate it! Think ahead! Think outside the confines of your present world! Think about the possibilities that are available! Think about your options!

If you feel that you have no possibilities or options available, think bigger or think smaller. Some people have been standing still for so long it may take a while before they get moving and create some momentum. Remember an object at rest tends to stay at rest unless acted upon. The first step may be a small one. Or you may have just too much baggage around you holding you down. You may need to look for an opening and take a giant leap, leaving everything behind that may have once had value.

Remember that life is not safe and all our efforts to make it so only create more boundaries for ourselves. Some people are okay with boundaries and limitations imposed on them. This is neither right nor wrong, it just is. But what about you? If you are okay with the status quo then don’t gripe about it. If you are sensing change heading your way then get moving, be part of it, instigate it.

An object in motion tends to stay in motion unless acted upon.

The only constant is change. That was said by Heraclitus back in 5th century BC and it is still true. So perhaps that is the one thing that does not change! Will you? You will!


© 2007
Please do not reprint in part or whole without prior permission.

The Challenge of Change

Change is upon us all, all the time. We develop certain habits and routines to assist us in the most regular of changes. These come in the form of daily calendars, bells that signal when class begins and ends, train schedules and postal delivery times and grocery lists that are based on the day of the week that the store starts its sale.

There comes the time however when we must face something that is far out of the ordinary. Illness, accidents, sudden death of loved ones and increasingly changes in our society in the form of failed business, failed governmental agencies or politicians have been taking many by surprise.

It is a fallacy to believe that we can control everything and have a completely peaceful, well planned life. Yet that is what we strive to do, to the extent that when something out of the ordinary happens we find ourselves emotionally and mentally unprepared to deal with the reality.

It is helpful to understand the stages that we all go through in times of unexpected change. In psychology these are called “The Stages of Loss”.

First there is shock, denial or numbness. We can’t believe that this is happening to us!

The second stage is fear, anger or depression. This is where we start to question the “fairness” of the situation, or the “why me?” stage.

Stage three is understanding, acceptance and then moving on. In the book Life 101 by Peter McWilliams, the author writes that, “Acceptance is not approval…agreement… support…advocating…furthering, promoting, aiding, abetting or even liking what is.”*

He concludes his thought by saying, “Acceptance is saying, ‘It is what it is, and what is is what is.’”

The sooner we can get to the third stage the sooner we get on with life. If we can change the concept from “loss” to “change”, this may assist us in getting through the stages quicker.

If we thus say the first stage is one of surprise and makes us more aware of potentials that exist outside of the “normal” way of life, we can then approach the second stage as an opportunity to take action (not reaction!) toward something new and possibly better suited to our personal desires or growth.

The third stage remains essentially the same, acceptance, but changes in the fact that we are looking forward rather than backward as we enter into it.

If we are living our lives with a high level of awareness, we will find that we may be able to see these changes coming farther in advance. Part of this means we must take responsibility for our lives and recognize our personal accountability for the results.

McWilliams also points out that accountability has three parts. The first is to acknowledge that you personally have something to do with whatever situation may be developing. If nothing else, your physical presence makes this true, but your unique energy has a great deal of effect on what is happening around you. Failure to accept your personal accountability will catch up with you energetically either through your health or through your relationships. In the metaphysical world we call this “Karma”. Proper attention to this section of accountability is crucial to a successful life.

The second stage of accountability is the potential to explore your response options. This is also called your ability to respond or response-ability. The third section is simply to take corrective action or pro-action.

It has been said that persistence is a form of courage. Calvin Coolidge is quoted as saying, “Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.”

In all of this it is good to remember that it is a life time of good byes. It is also a lifetime of hello’s. It may be a little corny to say this but in truth there are no emergencies, only emerge and see’s. It means the difference between a lifetime of regret and a lifetime of progress and growth.

* The full quote is: “Acceptance is not approval, consent, permission, authorization, sanction, concurrence, agreement, compliance, sympathy, endorsement, confirmation, support, ratification, assistance, advocating, backing, maintaining, authenticating, reinforcing, cultivating, encouraging, furthering, promoting, aiding, abetting or even liking what is.”

© 2007
Please do not reprint in part or whole without prior permission.